From the “We Get Letters From West Africa” Department

So, it’s the first of the month again and therefore time to clean out that ol' email spam folder.

I love to open my loopy business emails; you know, the ones that get directly routed to the “spam” folder without passing "GO.".  You never know what goodies you’ll find.   

Today, I found the following:

 SUBJECT:  BE MY BUSINESS PARTNER

Dear Friend,

I am Dr George.Egobia, manager auditing & accounting section Bank of Africa, Burkina faso. I got your e-mail address in international directory as i was looking for oversea contact. 

It's my urgent need for a foreign partner that made me to contact you for this business which involves transfer of huge sum of money to a foreign account. I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($11.5 million USD) into your account.

I need a foreign partner who will support me because i cannot claim this money without a foreign partner since the deceased client (the owner of the fund) was a foreigner. For more information view http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/859479.stm . 

This fund ($11.5 million USD) will be shared between us in the ratio of 60/40. I agreed that 40% of this money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foriegn account while 60% will be for me and I want to assure you that this transaction is absolutely legal and risk free since i works in this bank and i have all the necessary information that might be needed. 

Before we proceed, i would like to know your ability to handle this over there in your country. Please tell me more about the political/economic stability/monetary policy of your country. I need to know all these because i don't want to have problem with the Government of your country.

Kindly update me with the following info because i will want to know you more before we proceed on this transaction. Hope you will understand the importance of this request. 

1. Your full name........................
2. Your age/sex ..........................
3. your occupation ................
4. Your residencial/Postal address ..................
5. Country of origin/nationality ..............
6. Your private phone number ..................
7. Your fax number ...................
 

I will be waiting for your urgent response to my private E-mail: drgeorge.egobia@voila.fr

Thanks,
Sincerely,
Dr George.Egobia

Interesting thing about Dr. George Egobia -   

Apparently, lots of years ago - way back before 2002 -  he got married to a woman named Rosemary.  I know this because Rosemary used to write to me as well.

 

Then – at least according to Rosemary’s email to me way back then - the unthinkable happened. 

Dr. George mysteriously died, apparently while working as a staffer for the Kuwait Embassy in the Ivory Coast.  His widow – describing herself as a DEEPLY RELIGIOUS born-again Christian like her late husband – was looking for assistance in moving a large amount of money. You see, she had health problems, and wrote about herself as follows:

“I will not last eight months due to cancer problem... decided to donate this fund to a church that will utilize this money for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained.”

She wanted me to find the appropriate church and then keep a huge bunch of the cash for my trouble.

Some folks have all the rotten luck, even while sitting upon a large stash of cash. 

R.I. P. Mrs. Rosemary Egobia.

However, Dr. George, it seems, had a glorious resurrection from the dead shortly thereafter.  Miracles are neat, right?  It seems to happen frequently, this back-from-the-dead stuff, especially in West Africa.  Plus, everybody then gets a better job, which I guess is the "zombie" advantage.

By 2003, according to his emails, Dr. George was the Head of Foreign Operations, Mississippi Finance Company, PLC, in Lagos, Nigeria.  Then, a few years later, in 2006, he was Director of Finance in the Foreign Payment Department of the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC).   

No matter where he turned up, there was always a large amount of money swirling around him that needed moving – and mostly by me, because, you see, I am very trustworthy.  

At least, that’s what George keeps telling me in his frequent missives.

A few months later in 2006, he described himself as an engineer and as the operations manager of some business called “Deposit Trust House, a Security and Trust company in Republic of Benin, West Africa.”

I guess that 2003 Mississippi Finance gig didn’t work out too well. 

Still, no matter where he turned up, those large amounts of cash – millions, actually – circulated around him and were always in need of non-Nigerian foreigners like me who could help with moving these megabucks.

So, now I’m torn.

You see, yesterday, I got a note from Dr. MARTIN Egobia, who is also some kind of high powered bureaucrat in Nigeria, who wants me to help him move $21 million dollars.  Something about a plane crash, foreigners, and a secret bank account in US dollars that Martin has control of. 

I’m guessing that because of the similarity of last names, Martin is some kind of a close relative of George.  In fact, they might even be twins, thrust on similar career paths in finance!

Really. I don’t know what to do.  If I help George (who wrote first), then I’ll miss out on about 4 extra million bucks that Martin is offering.  If I help Martin, George will probably find out and will be truly ticked off. And then, he may stop writing altogether.

I just don’t have time to help them both.

I’m tempted to go with Dr. George, mostly because I’ve never had the pleasure of working with a truly “resurrected from the dead” zombie banker before. Bloodsucker-bankers, sure; zombie-bankers, never!  

I have all sorts of questions about things on “the Other Side” that I want to ask him. (like, do they have free Dunkin Donuts Frozen Hot Chocolate Coolatas Over There?  Did they all sit around watching the John Edward "Crossing Over" TV shows in the expectation that somebody would want to chat with them? And, if so, did they find the re-runs annoying?)

And frankly, I find the idea of a “zombie financial partner” rather appealing, wouldn’t you?

I’d tell you more about all this, but I’ve got this other pressing business email to respond to, something about this new non-prescription miracle drug that will make me, well, “more of a man” in bed, if you catch my drift.

It’s seems to be from some faraway part of the globe and is apparently really cheap.

I think one of those “Dr. Egobia twins” might have something to do with that email as well.